Don’t Touch That: Dane Cook

There is a lot of culture out there. Not all of it is good. In fact, most of it is terrible. “Don’t Touch That” is Tyler’s mission to make you (the reader) aware of certain aspects, trends, and especially people from which you should hide your children if only for the future.

You would think that I would warn you about Dane Cook for any one of several obvious reasons. His humor is bracingly adult (his humor is infantile); his films exist outside the 0-12 demographic; his language leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. I could easily write a post about keeping Dane Cook away from your kids for any of these reasons, but I feel as if there is really only one reason your children should not meet DC… 

He is not funny.


Whoops, I like penguins.

Whoops, I like penguins.

Not. Funny. 

Listen, I’m not trying to judge here; if you watch his stand up specials while slapping your knee and you were first in line for “Good Luck Chuck,” “My Best Friend’s Girl,” and “Employee of the Month” that’s fine (that is not fine – you should not be doing these things). Here’s the thing, your sense of humor probably cannot be saved – it’s most likely ruined. But your children still have a shot. Anyway, how is Dane Cook not funny? Oh let me count the reasons: 

1. I’m not even sure Dane Cook is a comedian. Why? He does not tell jokes. There are no set-ups followed by punch lines in his act. Only gyrations and terrible girlfriend-voices followed by screaming and yelling.

2. “BROOOOOOOOOOOOOO” is not funny. 

3. I watched the special “Vicious Circle” the other night to try and understand why people find him funny (I do these things on a Friday night for you, that’s how much I care). Now I have a pretty high tolerance for pain (don’t even ask how many times I’ve actually sat through a Jeff Dunham special – and we’ll be dealing with him soon) but an hour into the special I noticed that there was still another HOUR AND A HALF of his “comedy.” Here’s a list of things Mr. Cook makes jokes about:

            -Lying is Fun and how to lie.

            -Being stuck in a bad relationship sucks

            -What will happen when DC goes to heaven?

            -Why a bro has to cry sometimes.

            -Naming his son Optimus Prime would be cool.

Just from those premises does that even sound REMOTELY funny? Apparently yes. BECAUSE “VICIOUS CIRICLE” HAS SOLD 2 MILLION CDs. That means there are literally MILLIONS  of people in this country who find Dane Cook so funny that he bears repeat listens. 

5. When asked about his comedic style, Dane Cook has this to say:

“I wanted to create a stage persona for myself that allowed me to really speak about anything I want… So I can be a storyteller, I can be jokey, I can be corny, I can be a little vulgar, I can be a lot vulgar. And I’m not afraid to go anywhere to get the point of the joke across, even if I have to just blabber like an idiot until it becomes apparent that I’m telling a joke and that the audience should laugh.”

Listen, Dane, if you have to make it apparent to your audience that you are telling a joke, then that means that you are NOT GOOD AT TELLING JOKES.

Ultimately, the biggest problem I have with Dane Cook’s success is that it is so unmerited (I’m really not trying to hate). We’ll be talking about the Blue Collar guys eventually, but at least they appear to try hard at crafting a joke via observation + set-up + punch line. Say what you will about Larry the Cable Guy’s content (oh, and I will say a lot), but at least he understands the formula. Dane Cook’s career is solely based on marketing and hype (oh and also THEFT). He’s the comedy version of Vampire Weekend.

Guys, listen, he created a new way to flick people off. Is that really even necessary? Is Dane Cook even necessary?

So, in summation: Dane Cook is definitely the worst and any card out of either deck in Apples to Apples is funnier than he could ever hope to be if he fell into a funny ocean on a planet of hilarity. As of right now, he is definitely the Twilight of Comedy.

Hi, we are collectively Dane Cook. BTW, we cannot act either.

Hi, we are collectively Dane Cook. BTW, we cannot act either.

Published in: on December 1, 2008 at 6:22 pm  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. who ever wrote this has no sence of humor WHATSOEVER Dane Cook is very funny. the stuff Dane does it’s not joke telling. he just tells a story and adds funny stuff to it. most of the stuff he says we can relate too. they maybe true they my not. that still do t mean their not funny. but seriously GET A LYFE!! or a new hobbie/job. leave Dane alone! and I don’t c u comming up wit a new way to say to ppl “fuck u”

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